Drowning In Denial
by Barbie Shoes
Summary: Sara makes a confession that sends Catherine reeling into a state of confusion and denial. — Femslash, Cath/Sara
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Finally, I have something new to post! I started this a while back, but don't have much time for writing lately, so I decided to write the whole thing before I started posting to avoid long delays in updates. The idea for this one actually came from something I am not usually a fan of (see Sara's first actual statement) but it was the only idea I had so I went with it, hopefully it turned out! Also be warned, this ended up being a huge angst-fest for Catherine but if you can handle that, stick with me- you know I'll make it all better eventually! :)_

_HUGE thanks to Chelsee6 for betaing. You are amazing!_

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Catherine knew she shouldn't have looked at the time, her eyes locking onto the inert minute and hour hands, willing them to lurch forward. What seemed to have been a considerable length of time had in reality been only six minutes. _Almost exactly six minutes_, Catherine noted as she again clocked the location of the creeping second hand. Why was it that moments like these move so slowly, while good times seem to pass by before you realize they've begun? Even as she tore her eyes away, she swore she could still hear the ticking of the second hand, though she was pretty sure that clock had never made noise previously.

She sighed, giving her tired eyes a break from the abundance of paperwork before her by resting them on the gray walls of her office. She wondered why everything in the lab seemed to be in shades of blue and gray. Often times she found the cool colors of the monochromatic scheme to be relaxing, but right now they made her feel cold and drab.

_I guess everything's relative_, she thought. Relative to her mood. Time could move fast or slow, the same colors could bring serenity or discomfort, and Sara could be the most compassionate or frustrating person she'd ever met. So was it her mood that was making time stand still in a dull lab while Sara was being a pain in the ass? Or was it the latter that was bothering her, bringing everything else down with it?

Catherine gave up on her paperwork at this point, dropping her pen on top of the pile as she rolled back in her chair, rubbing her temples. _What were we arguing about anyway?_ The fight had been insignificant, she couldn't even remember the subject matter, let alone what was said; it had taken place hours ago, long before the clock on the wall had ceased moving. So why was it still nagging at the back of her mind?

She chanced a glance at the clock. Five minutes. _Dammit_. Stretching her sore limbs that were aching from too long being trapped behind a desk, she decided she needed to do something else. Settling on a cup of coffee Catherine turned, jumping as she saw a figure in her doorway. 'Jesus, Sara,' she muttered under her breath, her hand clasped over her chest as she recollected herself. She mentally scolded her now erratic heartbeat; it wasn't supposed to beat like that now when Sara was near, though sometimes still it rebelled against her. _It's only because she startled me_, Catherine told herself, pushing away the knowledge that she was ignoring a fluttering feeling in her stomach. Reluctantly, she moved her hand from her chest to her lap, as though lowering a shield that both protected and hid what lay behind it.

Sara whispered an apology as she leaned against the frame; her usually fiery brown eyes fixating on the ground. Her matching brown hair was getting long, as long as Catherine had ever remembered it being before, masking her face slightly as her head tilted in the same direction as her eyes. Catherine briefly took notice of the neckline of Sara's fitted black top- leaving a little less to the imagination than her usual attire- before tearing her eyes away just as quickly. She had long since trained herself not to fixate on these particular attributes for too long.

Still, Sara stood motionless, and though Catherine had initially assumed she'd come to apologize for the nearly forgotten dispute, she now got the sense that there was something else on her friend's mind. Something that was obviously troubling her.

"Sara?" Catherine finally called out gingerly, her voice luring the other woman's eyes back to her own. She raised her eyebrows slightly with a single nod of her head, a silent bid for Sara to speak. Catherine watched her open her mouth, then close it again as she exhaled deeply and once more averted her eyes. Sitting back in her chair, Catherine patiently waited for Sara to find her voice.

When she did, it came out flat, as all in one breath the words, "I love you Catherine," tumbled out, her eyes only finding Catherine's wide blue ones again after she'd finished. Catherine shook her head, her lips forming a 'what?' though the word failed to make itself heard. Sara broke their gaze as she turned and left the room, disappearing down the hall.

Catherine sat immobile, staring at the spot Sara had been standing as though she could conjure her presence back. There was a pounding in her ears that she soon realized was her own pulse, and a tingling feeling running all the way from her toes to her now clammy palms.

"What?" she finally said to the emptiness, as a shaking breath she didn't realize she'd been holding was released. She couldn't understand why she felt light headed. She didn't have those feelings for Sara, not anymore.

_Sara always did have a strange sense of humor_, she rationalized, still frozen in her seat. Maybe this was meant to be some sort of joke. Something in Sara's demeanor told her it wasn't. _Why would she do that? How can she just tell me she loves me, and then walk away? _

_Wait a minute, Sara loves me? _

She toyed with the idea, letting her childish side dance in victory for only a moment before pushing the thought away. _No_, she thought, _I'm not doing this again_. It had been bad enough the first time she'd fallen for Sara, it had taken too long to get over. She didn't feel that way anymore, and she wasn't going to get her hopes up again. It could have been a joke.

She looked at the clock: ten minutes. _Fuck the clock_.

She grabbed the files off her desk, shoving them angrily into her bag, and went home.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Only 4 reviews? A tad disappointing, though I suppose I did forget to beg for them in my last note... PLEASE? Haha. Well, here is another chapter for you anyhow. Enjoy. Oh, and for anyone who didn't get it, the thing I'm not usually a fan of is the super random "I love you" from either side, but like I said it was the only idea I had so I would be interested to hear if you think I am pulling it off in a less-than-corny manner? :)_

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Today was just a day, like any other day. Any other day where Sara hadn't said she loved her the day before. There was nothing different about today because Catherine didn't care about what Sara had said. At least, she had told herself not to.

She'd told herself not to wake up early. She told herself not to select the dark, low cut tank top and pants that clung to her legs as though for dear life. She told herself not to take the time to carefully construct each champagne colored ringlet on her head. She did it all anyway. What was wrong with wanting to look attractive?

What was wrong was that she was trying harder than usual, and in the fleeting moments she was honest with herself, she knew it was because of Sara. Because of what Sara had said, because she didn't know how to react, or how to feel. So she told herself how to feel, forced those thoughts back down until she felt the way she knew she should.

She wouldn't let this affect her. She'd been down that path before, and she knew it was dark and paved with heartache. Catherine knew if she were to express that to anyone it would sound severely over-dramatic, but that's what happens when you let your emotions get the best of you. Everything is blown out of proportion. It had taken her a long time to get over her feelings- she'd venture to say years- but she'd finally been able to move forward with her life. She couldn't go back now. The feelings were gone.

As Catherine made her way into the lay out room, seeing Sara pouring herself over case photos, she felt a sudden ache in her chest and belly. If the feelings were gone then why did it feel as though someone had just given her heart a violent squeeze before letting it drop down into her churning stomach?

Sara was wearing her blue coveralls, her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. As her bangs slid out from behind her ear and over her cheek, Catherine felt her hand jerk impulsively to tuck them back into their place before Sara beat her to it. The momentary distraction pulled Sara out of her thoughts enough to notice Catherine's presence. She offered a casual 'hey' before turning back to the photos, though her glance lingered a moment longer than could be considered indifferent.

"You look nice," she said with an emotionless tone, as though she were merely pointing out a piece of evidence. Despite the lack of feeling behind Sara's words, Catherine was taken aback by the statement. She attempted not to be too flattered as the woman she'd subconsciously dressed up for took notice of her appearance. Despite her efforts, Catherine couldn't ignore the jittery feeling now running through her body, causing her hands to shake.

Sara seemed to notice her apprehensive demeanor, placing a gentle hand on Catherine's upper arm, making her flinch involuntarily, though Sara didn't relinquish her hold. She was sure Sara could feel her shaking, a slight frown appearing over her concerned eyes as she asked Catherine if she was ok. Catherine did her best to smile and nod in the affirmative, though she could tell Sara only half believed her as she reluctantly removed her hand and started explaining the photographs, suddenly all business.

She knew Sara was speaking, and she told herself to pay attention, but her brain wouldn't listen. Her eyes were fixed on the profile of the woman in front of her, the way she squinted her eyes as she concentrated, or pursed her lips as she briefly paused to think. Catherine's fingers ached to reach out and trace the line of Sara's jaw when it clenched as she swallowed for no apparent reason. She noticed Sara's cheeks turning a light shade of pink, and wondered if she felt her staring. _Shit I was staring._

Sara just carried on speaking, still staring down at the table. Catherine turned her gaze away, mentally berating Sara for ever having said anything. It would be so easy to fall for her again, Catherine wondered if she'd ever really gotten all the way up. She'd been doing so well, and now she felt she was sliding back down that slippery slope into emotional turmoil. The completely unwarranted loathing and self-pity that had come packaged with unrequited feelings; she didn't want that, not again. Catherine knew what she should do, she just wasn't sure if she could do it. She suddenly felt angry. Angry at Sara for turning everything upside-down, like an hour glass who's sand had nearly run out, only to be flipped on its head to start over again. _Why did she have to say it?_

"Why did you say that?" Catherine found herself blurting out. Though she told herself it wouldn't affect her plan of action, she had to know Sara's motives. Had to know if she meant it, if it was a joke, or a momentary lapse in judgment. She just needed to know.

Sara stopped and looked at her blankly, looking to the side awkwardly before meeting Catherine's gaze again, explaining in a matter of fact tone, "Because it's what the evidence is saying…" then trailing off.

Catherine laughed bitterly and shook her head. "Not that."

Sara's lips made a silent 'oh' before she looked away again. She began to adjust the photos pointlessly, aligning and realigning them to one another before shoving them away haphazardly. "I just…wanted you to know."

At the tone of Sara's voice Catherine felt her stomach lurch again, but the explanation wasn't good enough. "Why?"

Sara shook her head, her eyes appearing to stare through the table rather than at it. "Just… because Catherine. Look," she raised her hands as though in surrender, "I don't expect anything from you, ok? I said it, you know, and it's done. I know nothing could ever happen."

"That's not true." Catherine heard her self saying, immediately wishing to retract the statement when she realized her mouth had gotten ahead of her again.

Sara looked puzzled, her face displaying more doubt than hope. "You think it could?" she asked, her voice mirroring the emotions on her face.

"Yes. No. I mean," Catherine stumbled over her words, sighing before putting on a mask of apathy and continuing, "In the past, maybe. But not now, no. Not anymore."

She knew she sounded cold, and though Sara had appeared less than hopeful, there was no mistaking the disappointment in her eyes. Catherine suddenly felt a lump in the back of her throat and swallowed hard to push it down. Wasn't it only months ago that her every thought was fantasizing, wishing, _praying_ for this moment? Now here she was pushing it away, hurting someone she cared about in the process.

Sara's eyes went blank as she turned away, muttering a simple "Fine," as she went back to her photographs.

Catherine couldn't do this right now. She couldn't be here anymore. The room was suddenly far too small to contain her and all of her emotions that were threatening to make themselves known. So, without another word, she turned around and left.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/n: Sorry for no update yesterday! It kept telling me the document manager was down, so I couldn't upload :( But here is chapter 3, kinda short, sorry. I don't know if this story seems a little slow going right now, but I promise next chapter it starts picking up! :) And of course, pretty please review? _

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Catherine made a beeline for her office, hearing nothing but the sound of her own heels as they hit the floor, tuning out all else in an attempt to maintain composure. She was pretty sure she heard someone call out her name as she sped past lab after lab, though she pointedly ignored it.

Finally making it to her safe haven, she flung herself inside as she slammed the door shut, realizing she'd done so with excessive force as she heard the blinds clinking quietly against the window from the momentum. She effectively silenced them, falling back heavily against the door.

Her eyes stung and, despite sinking her nails in to her palms with the balling of her fists, several droplets managed to slip from her bleary eyes and onto her cheeks. She wiped them away furiously knowing she had no reason to be crying. She was frustrated, not sad. This whole thing didn't make any sense. If she didn't care for Sara then why did it hurt? Even if she did, why couldn't she just embrace it?

A soft knock reverberated through the door she was leaning against, pulling her back to the present moment. Pushing her self off the door, Catherine dabbed at her cheeks again, knowing full well there was nothing left there save for the blotchy red spots she was helpless to conceal.

"Anybody home?" Warrick called softly, cracking the door open an inch.

"Yeah," Catherine replied, mentally chastising her own voice for wavering even as she only spoke a single word.

The door opened the rest of the way, immediately shutting again as Warrick took in Catherine's desolate appearance. "Hey, hey. What's all this?"

Catherine choked back a sob at the comforting tone, the concern in his voice almost making her want to pour her heart out, to let him console her, let him take some of the burden off of her shoulders. Almost. "Nothing," she sighed. "History repeating itself. Ancient history."

Warrick nodded, realization apparent on his face. "Sara?"

Catherine held a finger to her lips, instinctively shushing him even though she knew no one could hear. She pursed her lips as she nodded slightly, afraid her voice would betray her again.

"What happened this time?"

"Nothing," Catherine said with a wave of her hand, dismissing the topic, "I don't want to talk about it. What did you need?" she finished, changing the topic as Warrick opened his mouth, cutting him off before he could push her further.

Warrick frowned slightly but let it go, at least for the time being. "Nicky, Greggo and I were going to head out for drinks after work. Gris might even make an appearance…"

Catherine chuckled lightly, but shook her head. "I don't know Warrick."

"C'mon, first round's on me. You look like a woman in dire need of a drink."

Finally Catherine smiled, feeling slightly better for the simple fact that Warrick was trying so hard to cheer her up. He knew how hard it had been when she first had feelings for Sara. He was the only one that knew. He had come to her rescue one evening after she'd drank herself stupid, having fought with Sara yet again. Being the concerned friend he was he'd pushed her to open up. When she did, there had been no closing the floodgates up again as it all came pouring out. Tears had flowed out with the words, the two constantly interfering with one another, though somehow by the time they had arrived at her house she had managed to spill every detail of her deepest secret and still cry until she seemed to have used up all her tears. It was a moment of weakness; a moment she would like to have kept between herself, the tequila and some anonymous bartender. It was a side of herself that she didn't share even with those closest to her, but Warrick had never broken her confidence, never said a word. For that she was thankful.

"How can I say no?" she finally agreed.

Warrick smiled triumphantly, instructing her to meet them in the parking lot promptly at the end of shift, then leaving her to gather her wits. Catherine fanned desperately at her face with her hands, pleading with the puffiness and splotches to make themselves scarce. She didn't need anyone else prodding her for information.

Put on a happy face, she told herself, suddenly finding the song of the same name running through her mind, scoffing at the irony of having such a song stuck in her head.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Where is everyone? Where are all the usually faithful reviewers? Is the world losing interest in Cath/Sara? Sadness. Lol. Well, I still love em, and here's another chapter for those of you who are still with me on that! :)_

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Catherine had never been to the bar the boys had chosen. It was dimly lit, and slightly humid from all the bodies crammed inside. An eclectic mixture of music played loudly in the background, making conversation difficult, though not entirely impossible.

Halfway through her second beer, Catherine decided she was actually having fun. Leave it to her boys to cheer her up. She sat facing the door, contentedly sipping her beer, until a chill ran down her spine when, only for a moment, she was certain she'd seen Sara's face among the throngs of people. She turned to Warrick, wide-eyed and panicked, the look on his face indicated he'd seen her as well. Her fears were confirmed as Sara fully emerged from the crowd.

"You could have _told_ me she was coming," Catherine hissed between her teeth.

Warrick shook his head apologetically. "I didn't know Cath. Honestly."

Sara picked her way over to the table, her demeanor becoming slightly sheepish after her eyes momentarily met Catherine's now cold blue ones. Catherine immediately felt guilty, realizing she was actually glaring at Sara for nothing more than expressing her feelings and showing up at the bar.

Everyone seemed surprised to see her, aside from Greg who victoriously proclaimed that he'd been the one to convince Sara to join them. Catherine carefully avoided eye contact with Greg, certain her icy glare would now be directed at him as well.

Nick and Greg scooted over on their side of the booth as Greg eagerly gestured for Sara to take the seat beside him. The seat directly across from Catherine. Sara looked to Catherine as though anticipating some sort of objection, but Catherine said nothing.

Sara slipped into the seat, apologizing awkwardly when Catherine jumped as their feet bumped under the table. Catherine brushed it off, focusing her attention on picking the label off her beer bottle.

"Don't do that!" Greg exclaimed, making Catherine jump again. She raised her eyebrows at him in quizzical annoyance. Greg looked around the table for support, only to find four more equally confused faces. "It's a sign of sexual frustration," he explained smugly, gesturing at the bottle in Catherine's hand, "tearing the label off."

"There's no evidence to support that," Grissom scoffed from the other side of Warrick. "Site your source." Greg shrugged dismissively as the rest of the group laughed, drowning out Catherine's exasperated sigh. She resisted the compulsion to finish removing the label, bringing the bottle to her lips for a long swig before deciding to down the whole thing.

"Whoa!" Warrick said softly, guiding the bottle back to the table. "Save some for the fishes."

"Fish drink _water_." Catherine spat, moving the bottle from his reach.

"Actually, they just live in it." He countered, trying to keep the banter lighthearted.

Catherine rolled her eyes and turned her head the opposite direction to kill her drink without interruption. She could see Sara watching her, analyzing her, out of the corner of her eye. Catherine had planed on calling it quits after her second beer, but as she slammed the empty bottle on the table – finally beginning to feel something resembling 'normal' while at the same time Sara peered at her curiously – a third drink sounded increasingly enticing.

The waitress finally came around again, noticing a new member had joined the group. Sara ordered a Long Island, obviously playing catch up with the substitute for her usual beer. Catherine was just the right combination of buzzed and uncomfortable to decide that a Long Island was just what she needed as well.

The entire table eyed the tiny woman suspiciously. "You on a mission tonight, Cath?" Nick teased from the opposite corner.

"What? It sounded good," she lied, gesturing at Sara to indicate she was only following her lead, and not daring to look at Warrick. She was 'on a mission,' she knew it. He knew it too. The last thing she wanted to see was the warning look she knew he'd be giving her right this moment.

The drinks arrived, and Catherine noticed the way Sara nursed her drink; slowly, but barely taking her lips off the straw, steadily consuming the liquid courage. Seemed she was on a mission of her own. Catherine matched her speed, becoming increasingly aware of the way Sara's lips wrapped around the straw, the way her hair fell around her face, partially concealing her shy expression.

As they drained their glasses, the waitress reappeared. Sara ordered another, and Catherine followed suit. She felt the disapproving eyes of the entire table on her, but she didn't care. Her worries had slowly begun to dissolve with each passing sip, the angry churning in her belly replaced by a comfortable warmth. The warmth spread through her body, melting the icy walls she'd put up upon Sara's arrival.

Downing their second drinks faster than the first, Catherine found it hard stay in the conversation. Random questions and comments thrown her way continually snapped her back to reality until, again, her gaze would land across the table. Sara didn't look at her, seeming to be focusing most of her attention on her drink, though Catherine was fairly certain she was being watched as well from the corner of those brown eyes.

Try as she might to maintain her defenses, the alcohol had worn them thin as well. She began to wonder if loving Sara would really be so bad. After all, this was different than before. This time, Sara had come to her. _Maybe it won't hurt this time_, the alcohol whispered to her, as the laughter of her friends seemed to echo in the background.

"Cath, you gonna dance?" she heard Nick call as she was once again pulled back to earth. Confused, she looked at him with an expression that she hoped implied, "what the hell are you talking about?" which was apparently successful as he tapped his ear, indicating for her to listen. Tuning her brain into the music, John Mayer finally registered in her ears, the same song she and Nick had had their dance to not so long ago. Though that night had ended less than favorably. She remembered how she'd called Sara the next morning, how she'd dropped everything to come to her aid before she even knew what was wrong.

She looked back at Nick, finally smiling as she nodded and stood. Sara's cheeks were rosy from the alcohol as she turned face Catherine, who was lazily tugging at the sleeve of Sara's T-shirt. Surprised brown eyes looked up at her as she finally slurred out, in an almost childlike way, "Sara, dance with me."


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: My apologies, I think I forgot to update yesterday... Usually the reviews keep me excited about updating, but since there are so few... yes, that is me turning away from begging and trying to guilt you. Is it working? Lol. Well, at least I see people subscribing to the story alert, so hopefully that means you are at least out there enjoying it in secret silence!_

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Catherine picked her way through the crowd, leading Sara away from the prying eyes of their friends. Her body felt weightless and numb, preventing her from registering the feeling of strange bodies brushing up against her as she walked. Nothing could steal her attention from the feeling of Sara's hand in her own, the anticipation of closer contact at the forefront of her mind.

She settled on a spot nestled deep in the center of the swaying mass of bodies. She stopped and turned abruptly; their dual slowed reaction times inducing a collision of their bodies. Catherine saw rather than heard Sara mutter an apology, holding her in place with an arm around her waist when she tried to take a step back. Resting their joined hands between their chests, she began to move to the music. For a moment Sara did nothing, until Catherine gave her a small squeeze and a diffident arm finally wrapped around her back.

All thoughts seemed to have absconded her brain. The hurting, the doubt and defenses, were gone along with all worry of consequences. For now, all musings of why she didn't want to feel anything for Sara were quiet. Nothing registered but the music and Sara, the feeling of body heat through their clothes and the places where exposed skin made contact. For the first time in a long time, she felt content, her intoxication preventing anything from interfering with that feeling.

The song ended only moments later, the majority of it having played out through Catherine's quest for the perfect location. The music changed to something more intimate and those who had been dancing solo began to couple off or leave the floor. The arm around Catherine's back disappeared as again Sara began to take a step back, but Catherine wasn't willing to relinquish her just yet. She kept her hold, continuing to sway slowly to the new rhythm, until Sara relaxed and fully returned to her.

Once certain that her partner knew they were staying put, she released her hold on both hand and waist, draping her freed arms over slightly taller shoulders as she locked her hands behind Sara's neck. A second arm joined the one behind her, the tension finally dissipating as they held her in a loose embrace. Catherine gave an approving smile, which was returned by a shy one from Sara. Neither had spoken since she'd asked Sara to dance, so it took a moment for Catherine to register Sara saying her name.

"Cat?" she slurred again. Still lost in her moment, Catherine simply hummed in reply to indicate she was listening. "Cat, don't be mad at me, ok?"

Catherine shushed her, smiling upon hearing the voice of a little girl flowing from Sara's mouth. "I'm not mad."

Sara nodded, accepting Catherine's statement without further question. They settled back into silence, though Catherine could see a question forming in Sara's eyes. She seemed to be taking her time, thinking over whatever it was intently. Catherine loved watching her think; it was one of the things that had made her fall for Sara before. The intensity of her expression, her determination to find an answer. Never giving anything away until she was ready, always leaving Catherine to wonder just what went on in that brilliant mind.

Just as Catherine's curiosity was about to get the best of her, Sara opened her mouth, the childlike tone replaced by a much more recognizably 'Sara' one. "Catherine, don't get mad."

Catherine furrowed her brow slightly, not quite comprehending how after all that thinking, Sara had simply come up with a variation of the same statement.

"Sara, I already told you I'm not mad," she assured gently.

"No," Sara shook her head, obviously slightly flustered at not being able to convey herself properly. "Don't _get_ mad."

Catherine's lips pursed to form a question, but instead found themselves covered by Sara's fluid mouth. Catherine reveled in the way Sara's lips felt like silk against her own as it occurred to her how many times she had fantasized about this very act. It had been a long time since she'd allowed herself to entertain such imaginings, and for a moment the thought reappeared in her brain that she shouldn't be doing this. The notion evaporated as her senses fixed on the sensation of Sara's mouth. Catherine took advantage of her hands' location behind Sara's neck, tightening her grasp to prevent the kiss from ending too soon.

It had started tenderly, but as Catherine continued to use her position to pull them closer, Sara took the hint and kissed her harder. It wasn't long before that wasn't enough, and as Catherine parted her lips she was immediately rewarded by the sensation of a gentle tongue against her own. She sighed softly as she felt little pinpricks running all through her body, accompanied by a constant and growing tingling below the belt.

She would have kissed Sara until they couldn't breathe, had it not been for the loathsome cheering of a strange man nearby who was enjoying the display a little too much for Catherine's liking. Reluctantly she pulled away, feeling ragged breaths mingling with her own against her lips.

"Sara," she whispered, "take me home."

Sara looked puzzled by the request, even a little disappointed as she replied, "Catherine, I am in no shape to drive."

"No, not drive me," Catherine said, shaking her head as she understood Sara's earlier frustration at being unable to express herself. Sara's confusion only seemed to grow at this, as Catherine pondered over her words and finally voiced her request again. "Sara, I want you to take me home. Take me home with you."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: This chapter goes out to weeidgie, not for it's content but just cuz I wanna give her a shout out for lifting my spirits with her reviews! Gave me the pep I needed to keep writing and posting :) And of course a big thanks to the rest of you that are reviewing, you all make my day!_

_I think you all are not going to be too happy with me for this one lol but it's the way it must happen!_

* * *

When Catherine woke her entire mouth felt as though it were made of paper and her head was spinning. As her brain adjusted to being awake, it registered that she had a hangover. The sunlight assaulted her eyes despite her closed lids making her head throb even more. She rolled over to escape the harsh rays, realizing just how thirsty she was. The last thing she felt like doing was getting out of bed, but the craving for water was overwhelming.

Willing herself to open her eyes, which felt about as dry as her lips, she was dumbfounded to discover that her room was the wrong color. Her stomach somersaulted as she realized: she was not in her own room. Hazy bits of memory began to appear in her mind, flashes of the bar, the boys. Sara. Dancing with Sara. The world rushing by behind Sara's head through the window of a taxi.

Catherine said a silent prayer that she was alone in this strange room as she carefully turned her head. If there was a god he wasn't listening to her today. Her eyes fell across the naked, sleeping woman. Every inch of Sara's pale skin was on display from her head to her abdomen, where it finally disappeared beneath the sheets. Catherine covered her mouth with her hand, silently shaking her head 'no,' as she willed what she knew had happened not to be true.

Again, there was no such luck. More images of Sara returned. Kissing, touching, undressing. She pushed the thoughts away as they began to gain clarity, she would deal with them later. All she knew now was that she couldn't be here when Sara woke up.

She eased herself out of the bed, wincing when the mattress shifted as she stood. Sara didn't even stir, much to Catherine's relief. For a moment she simply watched the woman before her taking rhythmic breaths, tousled hair fanned around her head while a single strand lay across her cheek, her beautiful body exposed. Despite what Catherine felt, or wanted to feel, no part of her could deny how beautiful Sara looked at this moment. At any moment.

A pang of guilt hit her for what she had done. Sara had taken an enormous risk telling her how she felt, and she knew that when Sara woke up alone she would be heart broken. It wasn't right to stand there watching her sleep, so vulnerable and on display. Catherine took a step forward, carefully grabbing the edge of the sheet from Sara's stomach and hoisting it up over her chest. Even this did not elicit a response. Determining Sara was out cold, she softly swept the stray hair off of her cheek, placing a light kiss in its place. She whispered an apology she knew would never be heard or, she feared, accepted. She took one last lingering glance at Sara's serene face, wondering if it would be the last time she'd ever see that face without an underlying look of rage, then set off in search of her clothes.

Each item she discovered triggered new memories that were impossible to fight off. Finding her bra and panties at the foot of the bed she saw Sara peeling the articles off her body, replacing each in turn with her lips. Sara's fingers between her legs when she recovered her pants from the hallway, next to Sara's T-shirt. Sara pulling off her shirt and pinning her to the wall when, after a great deal of searching, she found it in the entryway along with her shoes.

All in all, it had probably been an amazing morning. Part of her was grateful that she couldn't remember more. She wished more than anything that she could have woken up with that same amazing feeling. Wished that some sort of magic from the whole experience could have washed over her. There was no denying now that feelings for Sara still lingered beneath the surface, but she just couldn't do it.

She stopped in the kitchen for a glass of water. She drank it down without ever removing her lips from the glass, filling it again while she called a cab. When the man on the other end asked for her location, she realized she didn't even know Sara's address, sending another wave of guilt to her gut. Shuffling through a pile of papers, she managed to find it on an old piece of mail, reciting it to the man before hanging up to wait.

Her eyes traveled around the kitchen, noticing a small note pad sitting on the counter. Leaving a note was the very least she could do and she berated herself for not having thought of it until that very moment. Though, once she had spelled out Sara's name at the top of the paper, she realized she had no idea what to say. _I am so sorry_, she wrote, then stared at the nearly blank page in front of her. There was nothing else she could say; no words were going to save this. So she simply signed her name, placing the note in the middle of the counter.

The sound of Sara coughing from the other room startled her, and she figured it was now or never to make her exit. She could wait for the cab outside. Swallowing the last sip of water, she placed the glass in the sink before walking the few short steps to the door. There, she took a final survey of the small apartment, taking in the simple essence of the absent woman and all she didn't, and may never know about her. The whole place smelled just like Sara, a smell she had never realized she could identify so easily as, once more, she wondered if Sara would ever let her near enough to breathe that sent again. She took one final breath, inhaling deeply through her nose, and left.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Oh goodness, I didn't realize people would be quite so angry at me for the last chapter! Guess it wasn't as upsetting for me, as I knew what would happen next lol. Well, my apologies for upsetting you all, (though I did warn you it was uber angsty! lol) and I promise from here things are at least __starting__ to turn around... _

* * *

"Catherine, are you even listening to me?"

Wendy's voice sounded concerned rather than agitated. Catherine redirected her focus to the speech the tech was attempting to deliver regarding her DNA evidence, wondering why everyone seemed to find it necessary to make a production out of reciting test results. She ran a hand through her hair as she apologized for her lack of attention. Rather than continue speaking, Wendy squinted at her curiously. "Is everything ok?"

Catherine snorted, a chuckle born out of bitterness rather than humor emanating from her throat. "Not really." She didn't want to talk about it, not with Wendy, but she was too tired to lie.

Wendy regarded her carefully for another moment. "Do you want a hug?"

"No," she replied firmly, shaking her head. Though Catherine appreciated the overly affectionate sentiment, she in no way desired it.

Thankfully Wendy took no offence to the refusal, waving it off with a shrug of her shoulders. "Fair enough."

For a moment it seemed as though the topic was dropped, as Wendy turned her eyes back to the paper in her hands. Catherine's relief was short lived however when, as usual, the tech's sense of empathy and curiosity seemed to take control of her again. "Did something happen with you and Sara?"

Now Wendy definitely had her attention. Her stomach lurched, as it had been doing all night at any mention or thought of Sara. She could feel her eyes and mouth both open wide as her gaze snapped to Wendy's, doing her best to wipe the shocked expression off her face before it could be registered as such. "Why?" she managed to ask, keeping her question short in an attempt to disguise the panic in her voice, assuring herself there was no way Wendy knew what was going on.

The panic melted back into guilt when Wendy explained that she'd met with Sara earlier in the evening, noting a similar level of distraction from both women. The thought of Sara somewhere in this building, roaming the halls with the weight she had left on her shoulders left Catherine feeling cold.

"For what it's worth," Wendy started when Catherine didn't reply for a long moment, "It seems like you're both pretty upset about whatever it is. I'm sure you can work it out. Right?"

Catherine really didn't want to hear this from Wendy right now. What did she know? This wasn't some fight about stealing a case or pulling rank. This was a real mess. She was certain Sara now hated her as much as she loved her. They couldn't work it out.

"Thanks Wendy," she said through her teeth, trying her best to conceal the bitterness she now felt as she straightened up and turned to leave. "Thanks a lot."

She ignored the perplexed expression of the other woman's face as she hastily made her exit. She would apologize to her later, or they'd just forget about it. She didn't really care right now.

She slinked back to her office, depositing herself on the couch as she rested her elbows on her knees, pressing her forehead into her palms. She felt the now familiar wave of nausea that came over her whenever she thought of the inevitable moment she would see Sara face to face again. She wasn't worried Sara would try to hurt her or bring her down. It was the opposite, imagining Sara's expression as she tried to conceal her own pain. The uncertainties of how things would feel between them now, how they would work together, go out with the boys together. The not knowing, the waiting, the wondering; that's what was killing her.

A soft knock on the open door caught her attention, a feeling of ice-cold blood ran through her veins when she looked up to see somber brown eyes staring back down at her. Sara stood quietly, holding a manila folder over her chest as though it were protecting her heart. Catherine had expected to see anger swimming in those eyes. Anger she could have found some way to handle, knowing it was precisely what she deserved. Instead what she saw was pure disappointment, a deep sadness that, as Catherine had expected, Sara was doing all she could to conceal. Trying to speak, her tongue suddenly felt too big for her mouth as the words died in her throat. Catherine couldn't remember the last time she'd been so afraid that her body had visibly trembled.

"Wendy said you forgot these." Sara broke the silence, extending the folder to Catherine, who sent a mental berating out to the tech, knowing she'd sent Sara on purpose. She accepted the item, dropping it into her lap immediately when she saw it vibrating in her shaking hand. She looked up at Sara again, never having been at such a loss for words before. The lack of anger, Sara's level, professional tone as she spoke, hurt more than any scenario for this moment she had conjured up. Was this going to be the extent of their relationship now? Sad eyes and simple work related exchanges in emotionless voices?

Catherine finally managed to push a "thank you" out of her dry throat. Sara opened her mouth, and for a moment Catherine was hopeful that she would say more. Instead Sara broke their gaze, sighing as she turned and took a step out the door.

"Sara," Catherine called, finding something resembling her voice, but Sara was already on her way back into the room, a tension suddenly having appeared in her body. She shut the door behind her, taking only a few more steps into the room. Catherine realized she was holding her breath, though still she couldn't seem to let it out, watching Sara toy nervously with the hair at the back of her head. Despite the nervous habit, her voice remained level.

"You owe me more than 'I'm sorry,' Catherine."


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Hmmm I really don't think I have much I need to preface with here... I'll just say, when I said things were "starting" to turn around, I didn't mean it was happy time yet! Catherine's got some stuff to figure out still... but she's on her way I promise :)_

* * *

The statement dumbfounded Catherine. It was true; she certainly did owe Sara more. She just didn't know what it was Sara expected her to give. She turned away, addressing the edge of her desk in place of Sara. "I never wanted to hurt you."

Sara's humorless laugh made her wince. "Well, you did. The thing is, if it had just 'happened,' I could understand. But after what I told you, Catherine? I never thought you'd stoop that low. How…" her voice trailed off as she lost her breath.

"I was drunk, I-"

"That's not an excuse."

Catherine looked at her again, pleading for some sort of guidance in the conversation. Sara just stared at her expectantly, but got nothing. "You still have choices," she continued, conceding that Catherine didn't know what to say, "When you're drunk, you can still choose to do something or not. You made a choice Catherine. I've heard that excuse so many times in my life. Being drunk is not a free pass to hurt someone!"

Shame ran through her for having been added to the list of people who had hurt Sara. The amount of hurt Sara had endured in her life, what little Catherine knew about it, was more than anyone should have to endure. More than most people could withstand long enough to become the amazing person Sara had become. Now, Catherine was just another person bringing her back down.

She shook her head, blinking back tears she felt she had no right to shed in Sara's presence. "I don't know what to say."

"Do you have feelings for me?" Sara asked bluntly. Catherine stood and began pacing the room, feeling suddenly unnerved by their proximity. She wanted to say yes, but how could she? She couldn't let herself get hurt again; she didn't know how a relationship could ever blossom from this ordeal. She had worked so hard to get over Sara, this was just a bump in that road. The feelings would pass.

"No, Sara."

The level tone was beginning to waver as Sara gritted her teeth against her own burgeoning tears. "You're lying."

Rendered speechless for another long moment, Catherine hugged herself around her middle, hoping Sara would explain why she would accuse her of such a thing.

"You don't even remember, do you?" Sara said flatly to Catherine's blank expression. Catherine shook her head having no idea what it was that Sara wanted her to recall. "You do remember the part where we fucked, yes?" she spat bitterly as Catherine bit her lip, nodding almost imperceptibly and turning her eyes to the floor. "_Oh god, yes_," Sara started, obviously mimicking Catherine with her sarcastic mock-ecstasy. "_Sara, that feels so good. Tell me, Sara. Tell me you love me..._ And I did tell you, Catherine. I told you I love you, and then you came on my hand. So, what then, are you going to tell me you just regularly get off on hearing people tell you they're in love with you?"

Catherine hadn't recalled that moment, but the instant Sara reenacted it, she knew it had happened. She could practically hear Sara's voice in her head, the combination of want, need, and compassion when she said it. Realizing that Sara's question had not been a rhetorical one, she shook her head. "No, Sara, no. I don't do that."

Sara began advancing, and Catherine had nowhere left to go. At this moment Catherine understood what it was like being on the other side of that interrogation table, as Sara's tone turned almost accusing, pushing Catherine harder. "You do feel something for me."

"Sara," she implored, wondering what had happened to the timid girl she'd danced with at the bar as she sent the predatory woman before her a look that begged her to let it go. Her request was ignored. Sara continued to close in, until she stood directly in front of Catherine who had suddenly become all too aware of her intentions. "Sara, please don't."

She didn't even attempt to pull away as Sara grabbed her, pressing their lips together hard. She felt helpless to stop herself from responding, allowing Sara to own her mouth, her lips, her tongue. Catherine felt her body melting to the slow, deliberate strokes of Sara's tongue. She'd thought kissing Sara at the bar had been incredible, the sensation of kissing her sober was unparalleled, although a feeling resembling that of intoxication was beginning to take over. At that realization she pulled away abruptly, forcing herself free as she stormed across the room.

"Sara, stop it!" she demanded, punctuating her statement with an exasperated stomp of her foot.

"Admit it, Catherine!" Sara retorted.

"Just stop! This isn't happening, ok? I had feelings for you, I did, and I moved on. It hurt too much, Sara. I can't do it again. Even if I do love you, it doesn't mean I want to be with you!"

As the last sentence left her lips, Catherine realized the truth in the first half of the statement, at the same time realizing the harshness of her frantic declaration. Unfortunately it was a moment too late. The phrase "stabbed in the back," took on a whole new meaning and if she didn't know they were alone in the room she would have thought someone had actually done so to Sara by the look on her face. Then it was gone, as Sara's body stiffened, her expression void of emotion. The walls were back up.

"Sara, wait," she tried helplessly.

"It's fine," Sara said robotically, making her way to the door. "Point taken. I'm gone."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Thank you to those of you who are reviewing and sticking with me :) Tomorrow's chapter will probably be posted a little later, just an FYI, cuz I have been off the last few days and tomorrow is back to stupid work! Again, this chapter isn't out of the angst woods, but hopefully you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel somewhere off in the distance now lol. Enjoy! _

* * *

Catherine wandered aimlessly through the lab, her muscles feeling sluggishly uncooperative, as though trying to walk through water. Deciding she needed to pick a destination, lest the techs begin to give her odd looks, she came to land in the break room heading straight for the coffee pot. The last thing she needed right now was pity, regardless of how pitiful she certainly looked. The first tech to send her such a look surely would have found themselves with a stiletto heel where it was most certainly unwelcome.

How could she have let this spiral out of control so quickly? Three days is all it had taken to effectively destroy her relationship with Sara. If Catherine could have just let Sara's confession go, swept it under the rug as Sara seemed to have expected her to, then none of this would be happening. They could both be playing dumb, pretending that neither knew the awkward truth. They could have maintained a professional relationship, maybe even some semblance of a friendship.

Now it was glaringly apparent that never would have been her course of action; the feelings she had buried so deeply in the back of her mind couldn't let it slide. It was her own denial that brought them to this point. She was too afraid to accept what was practically handed to her on a silver platter, and now that she knew that it was too late.

Catherine grabbed a coffee mug from the counter, filling it to the brim in the vain hope that she could trick her body into functionality. Her emotions were already in overdrive when the first sip burnt her tongue and she snapped, delivering a swift kick to the cupboard in front of her. She poured all of her anger into the action, immediately cursing herself for doing so when she felt the pain suddenly running through her foot.

Feeling defeated by everything she came into contact with, Catherine slumped down into a chair. A bruised toe, a burnt tongue, and a broken heart. "Perfect." she sneered to herself, wishing more than anything for this shift to end so she could crawl into bed and stay there, preferably for eternity.

"What'd that cupboard ever do to you?"

Catherine's head snapped up, embarrassment briefly replacing all her swirling emotions upon the realization that Warrick had been a witness to her temper tantrum. His voice was concerned despite the lighthearted words, making the feeling short lived. Her emotions resumed their roller coaster course, with highs of anger and dips of self-loathing, complete with loops that turned the entire world momentarily upside down.

"It was the cupboard or a cup of coffee against the wall." she sighed.

Warrick took the seat across from her, folding his hands together under his chin. "So is there a reason we're beating up the break room, or you just gonna tell me it had it coming?"

Catherine forced what she hoped was a convincing smile and shook her head.

"This isn't still about Sara, is it?" he asked, and she could tell that her expression had given her away. "You two seemed so chummy at the bar… I just assumed you'd patched things up."

Again Catherine shook her head. "We were never fighting. Well, we might be now… I don't know." The last sentence came out sounding like a whine as Catherine slumped even further into the chair, attempting to disappear inside it. Warrick momentarily unclasped his hands, a wordless queue for Catherine to elaborate, as though he expected her to physically deposit the answer into his open palms. Catherine sighed. "Sara told me she loves me."

"What? When?" he asked excitedly.

Catherine could tell he wasn't seeing this as a negative in any way, making her reluctant to continue. "The day before yesterday…"

His expression changed as he heard the somber tone underlying her words. "There's more to it, isn't there…?"

She inhaled deeply, running a hand through her hair; ashamed to share what she had done, as though speaking about it would make it more real. "I, um," she paused, chuckling coldly at the callousness of her actions, lowering her voice to a nearly inaudible level. "I… slept with her. With Sara."

Warrick sat in stunned silence a moment, letting out a long sigh as he leaned back in his chair. No further explanation was required; he knew what came next. "Cath, how could you do that?" His tone reminded her of being a teenager, getting the old 'I'm not mad, just disappointed' speech from her mother. She knew that despite Warrick being her confidant he wasn't going to condone her every action. He was in her corner, but he rooted for both teams. She knew that, but all she wanted right now was some one to tell her it was all right. She was strung too tightly to see that he wasn't playing against her, and her blood was beginning to boil again.

"You know what Warrick? You have no idea. No _fucking clue_ how hard this has been. You think I don't feel bad enough already? That I don't care that I crushed her heart into little, teeny tiny _microscopic_ pieces?" Catherine stopped to catch her breath, feeling the urge to cry but fighting it off by channeling it back into her rage. Before Warrick could reply she started up again, keeping her voice low as she spoke through gritted teeth. "I never got over her, ok? I thought I had, but I didn't, and now I've fucked it all to hell!"

Not a moment after she finished her tirade, Wendy appeared in the doorway. "What." Catherine barked harshly before the woman could speak.

"I just… wanted to know if Sara found you?" Wendy asked hesitantly. Warrick turned to face the tech, but not far enough for Catherine to be unable to see him mouthing "not now," to the other woman. Her blood boiled hotter.

"Yes, she did." Catherine spat. "And incase you were wondering, no, we did not resolve anything. In fact, I think she may never speak to me again. So thank you, once again, Wendy."

"Cath, its not Wendy's fault," Warrick said cautiously.

Wendy nodded, obviously not really sure what she was being blamed for but agreeing all the same. "I was just trying to help."

Catherine was just short of shouting now, her mind desperately trying to place the burden on anyone else it could. "Well congratulations, you ruined _everything_. The next time you feel like helping, try minding your own fucking business instead!"

"Enough!" Grissom shouted, suddenly having appeared in the doorway. "You two, back to work," he gestured to Warrick and Wendy, his tone leaving no room for argument. "Catherine, get your things. You just earned yourself the rest of the night off."

"Fine." she sneered, making her way to the door.

Grissom caught her by the arm, speaking in a much more level tone. "You are expected to behave as a professional in this lab. Whatever's the issue is, get help. If you won't, I expect you to leave it at home when you return tomorrow."


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: So, I am posting this without having had it checked by my beta... Hopefully I caught all of my usual major errors... sorry Chelsee! I still love you for betaing! So, that said, all errors are mine. But I didn't want to leave those of you still reading hangin! So, enjoy :)_

* * *

Catherine watched the ceiling fan above her bed circulating around, the singular blades indistinguishable from one another. Constantly in motion but going nowhere. Kind of like her train of thought at the moment. As much as her mind was racing it bore no solutions. She was having trouble distinguishing one emotion from the next: anger from sadness, confusion from guilt. They spun around too quickly, blurred together into some meaningless shape she couldn't identify.

One feeling stood out though among the others, blaringly obvious like the light shinning down between the swirling blades. Shame. She was ashamed of herself for lashing out at Wendy, and even more so for doing the same to Warrick. She was ashamed that she'd lost control to the point that she'd been sent home from work, but above all she was ashamed of the way she had managed to repeatedly trample Sara's spirit, her trust, and her heart.

Suddenly the blades of a fan hardly seemed an appropriate metaphor for her emotions. Perhaps the blade of a knife, a butcher's knife, as they seemed to be hacking her to pieces along with everyone she cared about.

She felt as though she'd completely lost sight of herself these past few days. This wasn't how she handled things. "Never doubt, never look back. That's how I live my life." What had happened to that woman? The Catherine Willows who'd said that wouldn't be laying here, having been sent home from work only to beseech a ceiling fan for answers.

Willing herself to roll over she reached out to her nightstand, dragging her cell phone from its surface and onto her chest. After a moment she flipped it open, scrolling down until she landed on "Sidle, Sara." Even in such an impersonal form, simply reading the name brought on a tightness in Catherine's chest. Her finger hovered over the 'send' button, but the panic won out before she could press it and she snapped the phone shut.

What was she going to say? 'I'm sorry I crushed you repeatedly, I lied and I'm completely in love with you, want to give it another go?" She had no right to ask Sara's forgiveness. Though just because she didn't expect forgiveness wasn't an excuse not to apologize, was it? She flipped the phone back open, found the number, but then again she hesitated as Sara's voice appeared in her head: _You owe me more then 'I'm sorry,' Catherine._ Sara didn't want her apology. What did she want? An explanation? Catherine wasn't sure she had one to give.

"Mom?" Catherine tossed her open phone back onto her nightstand as her daughter appeared in her doorway.

"Yeah Baby?" she called back, in as level a voice as she could muster.

Lindsey eyed her mother a moment, creeping further into the room. "I'm leaving for school… are you ok?"

Every once and a while she wished her daughter hadn't inherited her observational skills. "Of course Linds. Don't worry about me, that's supposed to be my job." Catherine replied, plastering on a smile for the sake of her child. "Do you want me to give you a ride?"

Lindsey continued to survey the room. "No it's fine. Abby just got her license, she's picking me up…" her eyes landed on the open cell phone just as the backlight turned off. "Just call her, Mom," she said, punctuating her statement with a quick kiss on the cheek before she spun around and headed for the door, throwing "I love you," over her shoulder as she made her exit.

"Love you too." Catherine called, dumbfounded at having been found out by her teenage daughter. Though if anyone knew drama, it would be a teenage girl. Maybe she had a point. _Just call her_. She made it sound so simple.

She picked the phone back up from the nightstand. Just call her. She hit the send button before she could talk herself out of it, but even that wasn't enough to make her follow through and she hung up before she heard the first ring.

Giving up on her mission, she dropped the phone back in its place with a defeated thump before turning off the light and finally giving in to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Did I lose readers here or just reviewers? I hope it is the latter, though I know this was chapter after chapter of angst, I do do it with a purpose for the end! If you have given up... come back! Things start getting better now! :)_

_This one goes out to Stephanie- Happy Birthday lady! Hope it's a good one!_

* * *

Catherine had certainly dug herself a hole. Wendy seemed afraid of her, Warrick uncertain if he should speak to her. Grissom eyed her cautiously, as though expecting to diffuse another blow out, and Sara… Sara wouldn't even look at her.

Grissom began passing out assignments and it wasn't until he called Catherine's name that she realized she and Sara were the only two left in the room. "Catherine, you have a suspicious circs on The Strip. Sara's with you."

Sara looked at Catherine for the first time all morning, her expression void of emotion save for what appeared to be mild disbelief, before turning her attention to Grissom. "I'd like to request a reassignment."

"On what grounds?" Grissom inquired.

"Conflict of interest." She replied flatly. Catherine felt the sting of that statement, knowing she was the conflict Sara was referring to.

Grissom sighed. "Sara, it's suspicious circs. Where exactly is the conflict of interest?"

Sara said nothing, though a discreet glance shot in Catherine's direction didn't go unnoticed by Grissom. "You'll work the suspicious circs. _With Catherine_. No arguments." He too sent Catherine a look, one that clearly stated 'behave yourself,' before he turned and left.

The two women simply stared at one another a moment, unsure how to proceed. Sara clearly wanted Catherine to be the first to speak but, as seemed to be becoming the norm, Catherine couldn't find any words. Finally Sara just shook her head, mumbling "I'll meet you at the car," as she too strode out of the room.

They drove to the scene in silence. They worked in the scene in near silence. Catherine spent the entire time trying to think of anything to say, but it was useless. A crime scene was not the place to discuss their personal issues, and small talk was trite.

The drive back to the lab was filled with the same silence, but as Sara pulled into the lab parking lot and put the car in park she finally broke it. "Catherine…" she started, then seemed to hesitate a moment. The unexpected end to the silence had already sent Catherine's pulse racing. She desperately wanted to hear anything Sara had to say, so she remained quiet, praying she would continue. After a moment Sara finally turned and met her gaze. "I just wanted to know… did you mean to call me this morning? I mean… was it a wrong number? Or were you actually calling me?"

Catherine was dumbstruck a moment, not realizing her call had actually gone through before she'd panicked and ended it. Somewhat like how she was panicking now. The thought of denying it entered her mind, but she'd lied enough. She would be honest and see where that took them. "It wasn't an accident. I uh… hung up. Before it started ringing, I thought."

Sara actually smiled a little. Maybe honesty was a move in the right direction. "Well, that would explain why you weren't there when I answered. What, um… what were you going to say?"

"I don't know," Catherine replied, keeping with her new theme of honesty. "I guess I wanted to apologize again… but I knew that wasn't good enough. I wanted to make things right, somehow. But I… chickened out."

"Catherine Willows doesn't chicken out," Sara said in the most lighthearted tone Catherine had heard from her in a while.

"She does now," Catherine snorted, addressing her lap.

Silence followed briefly, still an awkward silence, though certainly less tense. Again, it was Sara that relieved them from it. "Look, Cat, we can't work like this. We need to talk about everything… actually talk. I know I attacked you before, in your office, and I'm sorry for that-"

"Please Sara," Catherine cut her off, "please don't apologize to me. I spent all night wondering how I could ever expect you to forgive me. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I don't want you to apologize to me."

Sara nodded silently in response before continuing. "After shift then? We'll file our reports, probably even get out of here on time for once, then… meet at my place? If you're available I mean…"

"I'm available." Catherine confirmed, breathing out the first sigh of relief she'd felt in days.

"Ok then," Sara said, opening her door and climbing out before leaning back into add, "you uh… remember how to get there?"

Catherine couldn't help the slightest of smiles at the awkward implications of the question. "Yeah. I think I can find it."

Sara nodded. "Alright… see you… soon then," she concluded, shutting the door behind her and leaving Catherine alone.

It was the most awkward conversation Catherine could remember having in a long time. She never thought awkward could make her feel so much better.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: So THAT'S how to get you all to review, with some warm fuzzies? Lol. Well I am glad you all are happy now (if that sounds sarcastic, it's not meant to!) Only one more chapter to go after this one!_

* * *

Waiting anxiously outside Sara's apartment, Catherine couldn't help feeling a little ridiculous for having beaten Sara there. Part of her wished she'd made some excuse to be fashionably late, but eventually she decided she would rather appear over-eager than indifferent. She may come out looking like a fool, but it was better than being the bitch.

It was strange being back here so soon after presuming she would never be back at all. She wished she could have waited inside, surrounded by Sara's things and Sara's smells, though even if the door had been unlocked she figured that would come off as odd. So she sat on the stoop outside, desperately craving a cigarette despite having quit so many years ago.

"Sorry I'm late," Sara's voice startled her. So absorbed in her thoughts of Sara she'd been that she hadn't even noticed her approaching. "I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"No need to apologize," Catherine assured.

Sara nodded. "Right, I forgot. I uh, stopped at the liquor store," she explained, gesturing at the bag Catherine had yet to notice in her arm. "I figured we could both use a drink.... I know I can."

"Absolutely," Catherine agreed. Both women shifted uncomfortably as once again silence took over, until Sara finally motioned for them to head inside.

Sara removed two bottles of beer from the case before placing it in the refrigerator. She opened one and passed it to Catherine before opening her own and taking a long sip.

Catherine marveled at her hospitality given the circumstances. "You're being awfully nice to me. You know, considering."

Sympathetic brown eyes watched her momentarily, then turned away as Sara moved to set her beverage on the counter, a small sigh escaping her lips. "I don't want to fight with you Catherine. I don't even want to be mad at you. God help me, but despite everything, I still feel the same. I can't hate you if I try… and believe me, I tried."

The confession nearly brought Catherine to tears, but she refused to cry. "Sara… there's one thing that I just… I need to know. What made you say it? I mean, you said you didn't expect anything from me… Why say it at all?"

Reclaiming her beer, Sara poured another gulp down her throat before taking the seat next to Catherine. "I was… emotional," she finally replied. She looked at Catherine, obviously hoping the explanation would suffice. Catherine felt she had no right to ask for more, so she remained quiet in the hope that would Sara give the information of her own free will. "I wrapped a case that day… at first it had appeared to be a homicide. Young woman found dead in her apartment. Initially we had a suspect: a boy she'd known since high school. They were best friends, according to his statement. Neighbors heard them fighting just hours before her body was discovered… long story short, in the end her death was ruled accidental." She paused there, as Catherine wondered what any of this had to do with Sara's confession. "Later, he told me he was in love with her, that he always had been. He'd never told her, and his last memory of her alive was that fight… You and I fought that evening, I don't even remember why. All he wanted was a chance to tell her how he felt, and he was never going to get that chance. We both know, Catherine, bad things happen to people everyday. I still had my chance. So… I took it."

Catherine wanted more than anything to grab Sara and kiss her right then, but she knew they had hardly reached that point. She settled for placing a hand over the other woman's forearm, praying that the tears lining her lower lids would stay in place just a little longer.

"Your turn." Sara said, turning her body to face Catherine.

Catherine already knew what Sara needed an explanation to, taking a large swallow of her own beer as she was put in the hot seat. "The night at the bar?" Sara nodded as Catherine took a breath to steady herself. "I lied."

"You lied?" Sara repeated with a shake of her head as she furrowed her brow.

"Men leave me. Eddie, Paul, Chris. Granted they didn't try to leave me. They cheated on me, they used me…" Catherine began rambling. She wasn't sure where she was going, so she let her thoughts spill as they came.

Sara looked shocked. "Catherine you don't think I would-"

Catherine cut her off with a wave of her hand. "The funny thing is, I didn't even love them. I guess a part of me did, but the only other time I was ever really in love was Stephanie. And she… she died Sara."

The look of shock returned ten fold, and for the first time Sara seemed to be at a loss for words. "_Other_ time? As in…" she trailed off, not really finishing the sentence as she let the question hang in the air.

Catherine nodded. "I'm scared of you Sara. The way you make me feel… God, I fell for you so hard. I think it was when we were working the carnival case. You remember? I was yelling at the suspect, my blood was boiling, and then you made some quip about me not using a scientific approach… no one else could have made me smile right then, but you did. Of course I wouldn't admit it…" she trailed off as she realized she was rambling again.

Sara took a moment to process what she'd heard before speaking again. "What did you lie about Catherine?" she asked, guiding Catherine back on track.

"When I said I didn't want you." She finally admitted. "I pushed you away, and then I lost you."

Sara shook her head, lowering her head slightly to capture Catherine's gaze before gently assuring, "I'm still here Cat."

She couldn't take it anymore. Continuing the stare a moment longer, Catherine stood, softly taking Sara's face in her hands. Slowly she drew their faces together, still feeling slightly uncertain of herself. Another brief moment of hesitation ensued before desire took over and she pressed their lips together.


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: So here is the final chapter! Hopefully you all feel the resolution is worth all that angsty reading! Thanks again to Chelsee6 for betaing, weeidgie for the awesome reviewing, and alreadyWONthat just for being my little buddy... I just think she needs a shout out too :) Thanks all for reading and reviewing, hopefully I'll be back soon, I'm thinking something more lighthearted? Lol._

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She had kissed Sara drunk. She had kissed Sara in the heated passion of an argument. Now, for the first time, she kissed her out of the pure want - or perhaps need – to feel that closeness, that connection. Catherine felt the same need radiating from Sara's kiss; gentle lips alternately massaging and capturing her own while strong hands on her hips firmly held her close. No more booze, no more fighting, no more denial.

Catherine let out a tiny whimper of dismay when Sara pulled back. "Catherine, wait."

Panic immediately took over. "Oh God. Sara, I'm so sorry. I should have asked…" Catherine babbled as she attempted to squirm out of Sara's hands. It took a moment for her to realize that Sara had yet to relinquish her hold, and she stopped struggling. When she did, Sara moved one hand up to Catherine's cheek, nestling her fingers in her fiery-golden locks and tracing light circles on Catherine's jaw with her thumb.

"I didn't mean like that Cat," Sara explained as Catherine sighed and closed her eyes. "I just wanted to say… I want you to know, that those men, Eddie and the others, they're idiots. I mean, thank god, for me obviously," at that Catherine smiled, opening her eyes to see Sara wearing the most earnest expression she'd ever seen. "But they are. They had no idea what they had when they had you, as cliché as that saying may be… I would never hurt you Catherine. Not ever."

Catherine knew Sara would never intentionally hurt her, suddenly finding all of her fears completely unfounded. She didn't know what to say, so leaned down and kissed Sara again, stepping further between her legs. When she did, Sara broke the kiss again.

"Catherine, it's not that I'm not enjoying this, because believe me, I am," Sara said breathlessly. "I really, _really, _am. I just think that we should… slow down. Go back to start and do this the right way."

"You mean without overly emotional 'I love you's or alcohol induced sex-capades?" Catherine teased.

Sara smiled. "Yes. That is exactly what I mean."

"Well then," Catherine continued, leaning back slightly as she let her hands fall behind Sara's neck. "I guess that means we're going to have to go on a date."

"And what does a date with Catherine Willows require?"

Finally starting to feel like herself again, Catherine felt her playful seductiveness returning. "The four D's: Drinks, Dinner, Discussion and Dancing."

Sara pondered a moment, then stood, indulging in one more kiss before making her way into the living room, leaving Catherine to wonder just what she was up to. "Well, we have beer…" Sara started with a sly grin, "…and we've been doing _a lot_ of talking," she hit the power button on the stereo and Catherine smiled, starting to get where she was going with this.

She made her way into the living room, meeting Sara halfway as the music began to play. She couldn't figure out why the song sounded familiar, then it dawned on her. "Sara, is this the song from the bar?"

Sara smiled shyly as they took up a position similar to that of the last time they'd danced. "I've been listening to it a lot the last few days…"

Catherine cocked her head as she suppressed a grin. "Cute," she cooed, quietly drawing out the word. She pulled Sara closer, resting her chin on her partner's shoulder as she let the smell of Sara fill her nose. It was definitely her favorite sent, she realized, as she allowed herself to bask in it for the first time, though it was making her miss her new favorite taste. Lifting her head she found Sara's mouth with her own, giving her a deliberately slow and deep kiss. Sara parted her lips for Catherine's tongue, and she immediately took advantage of the opportunity, tasting Sara's hot breath along with slight traces of beer.

When the kiss ended neither pulled back, allowing their lips to hover millimeters apart. Both remained silent, until Sara puffed breathlessly, "I have some Chinese food in the fridge… for dinner… if you want…"

_How could I ever resist this woman? _Catherine wondered to herself as a smile spread across her face. "I'm not hungry," she whispered against Sara's lips.

"Me either." Sara agreed, now smiling herself.

"Well then, that just leaves me with one question," Catherine started, briefly nipping Sara's lower lip for effect. "Does Sara Sidle put out on the first date?"

She felt Sara shudder slightly in her arms, but the smile was still in place. "Not usually… but I seem to do a lot of things I normally wouldn't when it comes to you."

Catherine kissed her again, pausing only to pull Sara's sweater up and over her head. Sara returned the favor by sliding Catherine's blazer down her arms, slowly tracing her fingers back up the same path. Wanting to feel Sara's skin against her own, Catherine began unbuttoning her partner's blouse, cursing the invention of buttons as she did. Sara took the cue and did the same for Catherine, their bodies pressing tightly together as they shed the clothing onto the floor.

The kissing began to dissolve from sensual into feverish, and Catherine couldn't stop an excited giggle from escaping as Sara, being the stronger of the two, hoisted her off the ground and made her way to the bedroom.

Bras were discarded somewhere along the way. Pants pooled around their ankles at the foot of the bed after shoes were kicked off, making Catherine stand on her tip-toes to match Sara's height.

Hands on her hips guided Catherine down to the bed. Sara finally tore their lips apart as she stood, hands now tugging down Catherine's last barrier of clothing. Catherine brought her knees up to her chest as the garment reached them, allowing it to be easily slid over and off her ankles.

Lowering her feet back to the ground, she noticed Sara watching her with a look that could only be described as pure awe. "Jesus Catherine," she whispered, the adoration even more obvious as she spoke. Leaning down to bring their mouths back together she allowed Catherine slide her panties off her hips as well, letting gravity take them to the floor before kicking them away.

Catherine pulled Sara to her, forcing them both down onto the bed with Sara hovering above her, each now straddling the other's thigh. She could feel the moisture from Sara's center as it pressed rhythmically into her leg, knowing Sara could feel hers as well, both of which served to heighten her arousal.

"You said you lied… when you said you didn't want me?" Sara said into Catherine's mouth as she brought a hand down to rub the sensitive spot between her legs. Catherine could only groan and nod in reply. "Well, judging by this…" Sara continued, plunging two fingers deep into Catherine's soaking wet core, "…that was one _hell _of a lie."

"Yes." Catherine panted her agreement, placing a hand over the one buried between her thighs to keep it in place. "Fuck… Sara… don't stop!"

Sara didn't stop. They were a ticking time bomb that had just exploded and there was no escaping the shock waves now. There would be time for gentle exploration later. Confident that Sara wouldn't halt her actions, Catherine removed her own hand from between her legs as she continued to rock into Sara's. She pushed two fingers of the now freed hand unexpectedly into Sara, receiving a moan of approval from the woman hovering above her.

Pulses and breathing quickened as fingers and hips began to thrust harder. Catherine heard herself repeating Sara's name over and over, each utterance pushing her closer and closer to the edge until at last she went over, the metaphor of a shock wave taking on a whole new meaning as her orgasm spread through her body. Not a moment later Sara followed suit, presumably experiencing a similar sensation as Catherine felt warm liquid spilling over her hand and thigh.

Catherine went limp as Sara collapsed on top of her, both laying in stunned silence as they attempted to slow their breathing. After a moment they found the energy to slide the rest of the way up the bed. Catherine did her best to fight off the urge to sleep, desperately wishing to stay in this moment for as long as possible. Sara reached out and brushed the now dampened hair out of Catherine's eyes, then placed several tender kisses over her face and lips before laying back to gaze at her amorously.

"I don't know how I ever thought I could deny how I feel about you Sara," Catherine mumbled groggily as sleep began to win the battle. "You're completely and utterly undeniable."


End file.
